MCG - Myers Counseling Group, Ltd.

Volume 1, Issue 1 - September 2003

Managing Your Stress by Simplifying Your Life
Written by Janet Myers

Nearly every client that walks through the doors of our counseling center identifies stress as a significant challenge in his or her life. People report feeling they are not in control of their time and that they spend a substantial amount of time doing things they do not want to do.

The simple solution is to find ways to do more of the things you want to do and less of the things you don’t want to do. The problem is how do we get there? How do we find the time? “The central principle of time management is: spend your time doing those things you value or that help you achieve your goals (Gillian Butler, Ph.D. and Tony Hope, M.D., Managing Your Mind, 1995).” The challenge that most people face in managing their time and stress is learning to prioritize in terms of their goals. In fact, a significant percentage of people do not have clearly stated personal goals (Stephen Covey, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989).

Take Time to Set Some Goals
Goal setting is a simple effective way to manage stress and set limits in your life. Setting goals allows you to focus on the things and activities that are truly most important to you. Putting goals in writing makes them real and helps individuals to keep them ever in the back of their minds.

Setting goals can be a fairly simple and fun activity, but a tremendously important step to simplifying your life. The fast track to setting personal goals has three simple rules:

1. Keep it simple. Write only 3 to 5 goals. It is very tempting to write more, however writing more diffuses your time and energy keeping you from staying focused on the several things that are really important to you and that will improve your quality of life.

2. Rank your goals in order of importance. This will help you to prioritize later.

3. Make sure that your goals reflect what you want for yourself, not what you think will make someone else happy. People frequently get caught up in pleasing others and forget that for goals to be effective they need to be personal.

Using Your Goals to Prioritize
The problem for many people is determining what is most important. One strategy involves sorting your activities into four quadrants (Covey, 1989).

The first quadrant includes things that are urgent and important, the second are activities that are important, but not urgent. These are activities that are urgent, but unimportant. The third quadrant is where many of us spend a great deal of our time. The fourth quadrant includes things that are neither urgent nor important. How do we determine where our activities fall? We compare them to our goals and choose to remove activities that do not relate directly to our goals (Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star, 2002).

Strategies for Sticking to What is Important
Review the things you’ve listed in the four quadrants, now think about ways to reduce the amount of time you spend in quadrants three and four.

1. Practice this all-important coping statement: “No thank you. I have other plans.” Initially, some feelings will be hurt, but you will begin to respect yourself for letting your no be no and your yes be yes. Others will learn to respect that as well.

2. Take the time to remove clutter from your home, your schedule, and your life. We waste a lot of time on “stuff.” Removing items that take time & energy, but are not in line with our priorities cause us stress. If possible, remove or minimize these distractions.

3. Clearing away the emotional clutter in your life can be unburdening, as well. Talk to a friend, a mentor, or a counselor. Developing a network of supportive relationships has been identified as the single most important factor in maintaining and improving your mental health.

4. Make time to play. All work and no play not only makes one a dull boy or girl, it creates a sense of deprivation that prevents many people from being effective. Instead of being able to remain focused on the tasks they deem important, they spend time mind lessly in front of television or other pursuits that they do not purposefully intend to enjoy.

Understanding your personal goals and priorities helps us to make better choices about how and where we spend our time. Better choices mean less stress and better ability to manage stress when it comes our way.

Resources
Bob Adams. The Everything Time Management Book: How to get it all done still have time for you! 2001
Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star, 2002.
Gillian Butler and Tony Hope, The Mental Fitness Guide, 1995.
Stephen Covey. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989.
Elizabeth Handley. “Simplify Your Life” The Therapist’s Newsletter Kit, 2002.
Julie Morgenstern. Organizing from the Inside Out, 1998.

Signs of Stress

You forget things
You make mistakes
You can’t concentrate
You have a hard time making decisions
You get confused
Procrastination
Worrying
Inflexible thinking
Predicting the worst

Stress and Anger
Written by Elizabeth Handley
Edited by Janet Myers

Why We Get into the Anger Habit
Anger is a response of many people to stress. Many times we feel anger to avoid feeling some other emotion, such as anxiety or hurt. Or we may feel angry when we are frustrated because we want something and can’t have it. Sometimes, feeling angry is a way of mobilizing ourselves in the face of a threat. Anger may be useful because it stops (blocks) stress.

“Sometimes feeling angry is a way of mobilizing ourselves in the face of a threat.”

This explains why people often respond with anger when they experience the following kinds of stress:

Anxiety
Being in a hurry
Being overworked
Depression
Fatigue
Fear
Feeling abandoned or attacked
Feeling forced to do something you don’t want to do
Feeling out of control
Guilt, shame, or hurt
Loss
Physical pain
New Responses to Stress
An angry response often results when we are unhappy with someone else’s behavior. Here are some other responses you can choose instead of flying off the handle:

Set limits. Let’s say a friend hasn’t returned a book you loaned to her. Now she wants to borrow another. You request that she return the other
Don’t wait. When you realize that you’re feeling annoyed by a situation, speak up. Don’t wait until your annoyance escalates to anger.
Be assertive. Say in a positive way what you want from the other person. For example, say, “Please call me when you get home,” rather than, “Would you mind giving me a call when you get there?”
4 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Anger
1. Call a time-out. This is a very effective technique for breaking the sequence of behavior that leads to a blowup. It works best if it is discussed ahead of time and both people agree to use it. Here’s how it works: Either person in an interaction can initiate time-out. Agree on a signal like the timeout gesture used in football. When the signal is given both parties stop talking and take a break.

2. Check it out. Instead of flying off the handle in response to someone else, take the time to stop and ask what they are upset about. People frequently become angry and defensive when someone else appears angry which escalates an already tense situation. Sometimes the best approach is a gentle response.

3. Make positive statements. It may be helpful to memorize a few positive statements to say to yourself when your anger is being triggered. These statements can remind you that you can choose your behavior instead of reacting in a knee-jerk manner—for example “I can take care of my own needs,” “His needs are just as important as mine,” and “I am able to make good choices.”

4. Be prepared. Think through situations that generally lead to arguments or frustration before they occur. Develop coping statements to help you better manage the situation or person.

Statements that help one to put the situation into perspective or communicate more effectively are most useful. “I” statements can be helpful. For example, “When you say/do this… I become frustrated.” “No thank you I would rather…” “I’m not able to do this right now. How about in 10 minutes (1 hour, next week, etc.)

Resources:
Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, and Judith McKay, When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within, 1989.
Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden, Of Course You’re Angry, 1997.
Carol Tavris, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion., 1989.

What to do instead of getting angry:

Do relaxation exercises
Get physical exercise
Listen to your favorite music
Make a joke
Play games
Say it out loud
State your needs assertively
Take a nap
Tell a friend
Work
Cry
Write about it
Pray or meditate

Breathe Easy
Edited by Mark Myers

Learning deep breathing techniques can be an effective means of managing stress. It releases the supply of oxygen in the blood which calms the nervous system, slows the heart, lowers blood pressure, improves respiration, and lowers anxiety. Keep in mind while practicing the exercise to focus on soothing statements such as:
“relax”, “calm down”, “keep cool”, “ignore”, “chill-out”, “breathe”, etc.
Start by sitting erect and relaxing the body. Breathe in through the nose, mouth closed. Place one hand on the stomach and the other on the chest. While inhaling allow the lower hand to move out, with the stomach on exhalation, the lower hand moves in as does the stomach. This is called diaphragmatic breathing. The focus needs to remain on moving the stomach in and out without causing the chest to rise and fall.

Inhale
1. Balloon out abdomen slightly.
2. Expand middle rib cage.
3. Expand upper lungs. Hold.

Exhale
1. Release air slowly. Exhale air from upper part of the lungs.
2. Next, release air slowly from the middle rib cage.
3. Slightly contract abdominal muscles.

Repeat

Repeat six times. As one becomes more aware of this breathing and his or her lungs become stronger, work breath up to inhalation count of six.

FOCUS Group provides information and education on substance use\abuse concerns to family. It is designed to increase participant’s awareness of issues related to drugs and alcohol. FOCUS helps families understand more about drug and alcohol use and it’s impact on them.

Anger Management Group is designed for individuals who experience problems in their life areas as a result of mismanaged anger, frequent anger outbursts, and difficulties in appropriately communicating their feelings to others

Step Forward Group is designed to introduce independent living skills to adolescents and/or young adults. . Participants will learn about life skills that will benefit them towards becoming autonomous adults. This group is designed for individuals who will need help in the transition to living on their own, who may not be prepared to live on their own, who lack the ability to be self sufficient, and need additional tools to become independent.

Girls Support Group is an eight week group designed to provide support, information, guidance, coping strategies, and feedback for teenage girls dealing with a variety of issues. This group is designed for teenage girls who struggle with depression; have behavioral concerns; problems with families or others; experience anxiety; or have a history of poor decision making.

Women’s Group is for women who are experiencing conflict in major life areas; depression, anxiety, stress, relationship problems, divorce/separation, loneliness, and/or lack of confidence. The group will address improving problem solving skills, conflict resolution, relaxation skills, decreasing anxiety, as well as, decreasing feelings of loneliness and depression.

Children’s Therapy Group is for children, ages 4-6, 7-10, & 11-13, who are experiencing difficulties due to Attention Deficit Disorder, developmental delays, autistic spectrum disorders, emotional, behavioral, or situational challenges. This is an eight week group designed to: improve behavior in social situations with peers, increase ability to handle anger and frustration, and increasing problem solving skills.

For information or to schedule an intake assessment contact Mark Myers at
(847)263-1269 x10

In the next issue:
Midlife Changes and Depression
Understanding Depression in Children
Strategies for Managing Depression